The Onion

I’ve been writing headlines for The Onion since 2018. I was also in a header photo of theirs once during my ClickHole Writing Fellowship. Below you can check out some Onion headlines I’ve written and the picture of me I just mentioned.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

Study Shows Benefits Of Skin-To-Skin Contact Between New Players, Coaches

Weird Kid Opts To Sit Perfectly Still, Let Universe Decide His Fate After Teacher Instructs Class To Pair Up

Reader Settles On Incorrect Way He Going To Pronounce Character’s Name In His Head For Rest Of Book

Football-Themed Napkins At Super Bowl Party Too Nonabsorbent, Painful To Use On Mouth

Joe Mazzulla Reiterates Jayson Tatum Will Not Return Until He Passes The Mazzulla Logic-Puzzle Meridian

Youth Hockey Banquet Spent Convincing Heavyset Teammate To Eat Copious Amounts Of Butter Squares

Fantasy Football Draft Good Excuse To See How Weird-Looking Everyone Getting

Car’s Satellite Radio Display Taking Its Sweet-Ass Time To Reveal Entire Name Of Song

Dad Shushes Family While Focused On Jumbotron Hat Shuffle

Report: It Nice That Linemen Feel Comfortable Showing Off Bare Bellies

DJ Software Reopened After Masturbating

Report: There No Way Of Knowing Whether The Vague Award Mom Won At Work A Big Deal Or What

Cameraman Sitting Under Basket Spread-Eagle

Older Cafeteria Monitor Not A Teacher Or Parent Or Anything

Ref Under Uprights Sheepishly Waits To Do ‘Good’ Sign Until Other Ref Does It First

Dad Turns Up Skyrizi Commercial